For now- no more hidden bottles
Ok I have to admit it. I am not quite at the stage of committing to sobriety all in ,100% for the rest of my life. It is there in the back of my jumbled up brain that it's probably what I will end up having to do. Hmmm having to do - ahem! What I mean to say is, will end up choosing to do. I know, I know it's not what I should be saying on a blog about trying to get control of my alco problem but no one is reading at present & this is truly how I feel. For now I want to get the drinking at home gone, diminished, see you later!!!
My big problem is the secret drinking. If I had never started to secretly all those years ago I don't think I would be writing this blog today. A twenty something alternative, arty young woman with her life ahead of her I decided to calm the nerves before a date with a guy. It worked a bloody treat & he never guessed. He never guessed once in all the years we ended up together that I drank to calm my anxiety, to loosen me up & feel good in a relationship I should not have been in. I so enjoyed that feeling of calmness when I drank. It was like the world stopped. I was in the moment & all seemed wonderful when in fact all was not wonderful. I was not allowing myself to feel, I believe I have not allowed myself to feel proper feelings for years.
For now - day 23 of no booze I am committed to no more secret drinking. No more hidden bottles in the wardrobe from the night before. The guilt, the rotten guilt. That is what I am committing myself to today. I can't however commit 100% to never drinking at a social occasion again. When I think about it I panic. I don't want to panic. I don't want anxiety to creep in. I need to deal with this first before the big guns come out. Let's see where this takes me. Trying for a baby helps as I am even intending on turning down a social occasion next weekend as well I don't want to go there & drink & I sure as hell don't want to go there & not drink. So yep I'm kinda running away from it but maybe that's what I have to do for now.
The bottles have haunted me in dreams of them being found again by my husband. Trying to bring them into the house & out of the house in secret. NO MORE! NO MORE ! NO MORE!
NO MORE HIDDEN BOTTLES
My big problem is the secret drinking. If I had never started to secretly all those years ago I don't think I would be writing this blog today. A twenty something alternative, arty young woman with her life ahead of her I decided to calm the nerves before a date with a guy. It worked a bloody treat & he never guessed. He never guessed once in all the years we ended up together that I drank to calm my anxiety, to loosen me up & feel good in a relationship I should not have been in. I so enjoyed that feeling of calmness when I drank. It was like the world stopped. I was in the moment & all seemed wonderful when in fact all was not wonderful. I was not allowing myself to feel, I believe I have not allowed myself to feel proper feelings for years.
For now - day 23 of no booze I am committed to no more secret drinking. No more hidden bottles in the wardrobe from the night before. The guilt, the rotten guilt. That is what I am committing myself to today. I can't however commit 100% to never drinking at a social occasion again. When I think about it I panic. I don't want to panic. I don't want anxiety to creep in. I need to deal with this first before the big guns come out. Let's see where this takes me. Trying for a baby helps as I am even intending on turning down a social occasion next weekend as well I don't want to go there & drink & I sure as hell don't want to go there & not drink. So yep I'm kinda running away from it but maybe that's what I have to do for now.
The bottles have haunted me in dreams of them being found again by my husband. Trying to bring them into the house & out of the house in secret. NO MORE! NO MORE ! NO MORE!
NO MORE HIDDEN BOTTLES
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